Just Enough

    I'm a side sleeper and I usually wake up on my right side. So the next morning when I woke up the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was this picture in a cute frame that said forever on it.

 

I couldn't move. The day before all came rushing back to me. "Yesterday really happened. I am not dreaming, this is real." I had a pit in my stomach as I stared at Nic's face. He looked so happy and full of light. How could we have gotten to this point? I promised him forever and I wanted to spend forever with him but it looked like that would not be happening anymore. My body felt like lead and tears welled in my eyes. My sister was still asleep downstairs on the couch and my house was still quiet. I don't know how long I laid there and softy cried onto my pillow. I felt completely alone in that moment. Darkness took over and I could feel the hopelessness and depression kick in. I had an eye exam, of all things, that morning so finally I sat up. I really couldn't afford to miss this eye exam because I was on my last pair of contacts. When I sat up I saw a different picture.

 

When my sister had come back over the night before with her overnight bag she also brought this picture and put it on an easel in the corner of my room. "I want you to look at this and remember who has you." She said. That morning as I saw this picture tears filled my eyes again but this time with hope. "I am not alone. I can do this. He has me." I was able to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.
       I went to my eye exam in a daze. It was so weird to go out in public and realize that life was still going on like normal for everybody else. I had experienced this sensation once before when I lost my dad. It felt like everybody should stop and life should stand still because my life as I knew it had stopped. I can only imagine what I looked like or what the optometrist thought as he examined my blood shot eyes from crying all night. I felt and probably looked like a zombie.
      Later that afternoon my friend Tory came over again and watched the kids so I could attend the temple with my brother, sister, and brother-in-law. My brother picked me up and we all rode together to the Boise Temple. It was a Saturday afternoon and the weather was nice. Oddly enough one of the things that stuck out to me the most from that day was the way my brother treated me. He opened ALL of the doors for me. It's such a little thing but it seemed so strange to me because Nic wasn't in the habit of opening the doors for me. I guess after a while I had forgotten what that felt like. I remember thinking I was being shown more respect from my brother that day than I had felt from Nic in a long time.
      The minute I walked into the endowment room I heard VERY clearly, "you need to go to school and pursue a nursing degree." Okay. Random. Things were so fresh still and the accusations against Nic weren't even proven yet. I didn't even know where the truth was and that is what I needed to hear? Over time I have come to be very grateful for that answer to a problem I hadn't even thought about yet. I feel very strongly that Heavenly Father didn't want me to have to worry about that on top of everything else He knew I was going to have to do. What a blessing that answer has been to me. School has been the one thing so far that I haven't had to question or wait for answers.
     My sister and I held hands during the temple session and just wept. I needed the answers. I needed to know if what they said Nic had done was true. In my heart I felt sorrowful because I had a feeling it was true. Nic had a rough childhood I guess you could say. He made some mistakes and had fought really hard to overcome them. I ached for it to not be true. I didn't want all of that work he did to be for naught. I ached because I knew the pain he had gone through. He often opened up to me about his trials and I thought because of what he'd been through he would never do anything like this. I cried for my kids. Especially for my daughter. If this wasn't true than what had happened to her to make her say such a thing? What had my poor little girl endured and I had no clue? What must she have felt and gone through? On the flip side if this was in fact true than I was so proud of her for being brave and telling someone. I was amazed that she at 7 years old felt she could speak up and tell someone. I was amazed that she hadn't shown any signs of depression despite what she must have experienced.
    Going to the temple that day was the best thing I could have done. The comfort it provided was desperately needed. The answers I received were critical. The time to reflect and contemplate was essential. I truly believe had I not gone to the temple that very next day that this would have all played out very differently. I am so thankful for the temple. Honestly speaking I didn't always love attending the temple. I don't know quite why but I would always kind of dread attending. I think it was a combination of things that made me feel uncomfortable about attending (nothing that happens in the temple) but since that day I feel so much excitement when I have an opportunity to attend and feel that spirit that is unique to the temple.
    Between the picture my sister brought over and the opportunity to attend the temple I didn't feel alone that day either. I had moments like that morning where I felt alone. I still struggled with so many emotions but I was given just enough strength to keep moving forward. I think sometimes Heavenly Father doesn't bless us abundantly with strength and courage, sometimes He gives us just enough. I think He wants us to remember we need Him and to come to Him often. If we ask He will always help us but He wants us to keep learning and growing so He only gives us enough gas to get to a certain destination. Once we get to that destination we have to stop and ask Him for more gas to get to the next destination. One thing at a time.

Isaiah 28:10
For precept must be upon
precept, precept upon
precept ; line upon line, line
upon line ; here a little, and
there a little:
  
Be patient with Heavenly Father as He is with us. The answers will come on His timing. He will help you with what He knows you need help with in that moment nothing more. He wants you to keep coming back to Him and then He will help you with the next thing. It is my testimony that He loves us beyond measure and that He knows what is better for us than we do. We need to trust in Him and His methods. This is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to remember as I am a very impatient person. I want answers now! I feel entitled sometimes like I went to the temple and said my prayers, I've been faithful so I've earned all the answers. I have to humble myself daily to His methods and have patience with His plan for me. When I humble myself sufficiently I am given just enough to make me strong for the time needed. Let just enough be enough.