So what makes a good relationship? What causes you to fall in love with someone? I thought back to Nic and when I started falling for him. He had a twinkle in his eye and a terrific sense of humor. He was so charming. We stopped to get gas on one of our first dates and as he walked in front of the truck to the pump he began to flex his arms idiotically. I was so drawn to his sense of humor and the joy he had for life. He was never afraid to make fun of himself and be a dork.
I don't want to get too much into the details of our marriage and I don't want this to be a dumping grounds for all of the crappy stuff Nic ever did so I'm going to use a little discretion here. Our marriage was quite simply hard. I know EVERY marriage is hard. Every marriage has it's own set of trials but more often than not one if not both of us was unhappy. I could get into all of the details of why I think it was that way but it's irrelevant. We were both committed to staying and trying to make it work. We had enough really good, happy times sprinkled in here and there that it would hold us together.
Now that I'm on the other side of it and my marriage is ending I am seeing a few things differently. Yes, the woman who is getting divorced in a bad scenario is giving marriage advice. Just hear me out.
1. Make time for your spouse before your friends and family. They need to feel like they are number one. Both Nic and I had a very close set of friends that we would do things with separate of each other. Now I'm not saying that's bad but it can be if its excessive. Sometimes it was excessive with us. I know I had times where I was more excited to see my friends than Nic. If I had a choice I would usually want to pick my friends. I also had many days and nights where I felt lonely because Nic had chosen his friends over me.
2. Speak kindly to each other even in humor. Every once in a while a joke is all in good fun but trust me when you hear a joke about how bad of a cook you are 15 times it starts to hurt. When we're arguing with our mates we lose our temper and say mean things, we just do. Nic and I could take it to a different level. I can be really good with my words and more than once Nic told me I had a sharp tongue. I so wish I had taken a moment to temper myself.
3. Do the little things. If your husband loves Reese's candy bars grab him one on your way home. Guys open the door for your wives. ALWAYS. Wives LET THEM. It is a sign of love and respect that he cares for you and a sign of love and respect that you want him to care for you. Hold hands, compliment each other, flirt. Write sweet or funny notes to each other. Nic and I didn't do enough of the little things. The little things add up and make you feel valued and loved. They make a marriage exciting.
4. Tell each other everything. Your struggles, fears, and successes. I cannot stress this one enough!!! Like I said earlier I was aware of some of Nic's struggles but I had no clue the thoughts that went through his head those last few months. The thing that is so sad to me is if he would've opened up to me I wouldn't have even judged him I would have gotten him help BEFORE he could've acted on those thoughts.
5. Grow in your faith together. You don't have to be in the same frame of mind spiritually to nourish each other and encourage growth. If one of you is moving forward and growing spiritually and the other one of you isn't and is even backsliding your marriage is in trouble. Make a commitment every day to encourage spirituality and growth in each other. With that being said everyone has their free agency and you can't force someone to try. They have to want it but pray for them to want it.
I am hardly an expert on marriage and certainly everyone's marriage is different but this is my advice take it or leave it. I feel compelled to share these observations and things I've learned about marriage because once you're not really in it anymore you realize even more how precious it really is. It is a sacred gift. I would give anything for Nic and I to go back and make better choices. We have four perfect kids together. We really loved each other once. Now that I'm "single" I am so aware of other couples. It can be quite lonely. There is nothing better than being happily married. I find it so refreshing when I see a wife look at her husband with adoration in her eyes. I love it when a husband talks tenderly about his wife. It doesn't make me sad. It makes me hopeful and it reminds me of the gift that marriage really can and should be.
I'm not still in love with Nic but I mourn the loss of our relationship and the good times we had. Ultimately I know it had to be this way and that there are brighter things in store for me. I know that Heavenly Father has something up his sleeve for my future; marriage or not. I know that I will create a successful life for myself and my children because I have Heavenly Father's help. I will always want an eternal marriage. I am a hopeless romantic and beyond that I desire to have all of Heavenly Father's blessings. Cherish your marriages. LDS or not be good to each other. Be thankful for each other and LOVE EACH OTHER THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS.
Oregon Coast, Fourth of July
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