My brain has been on overload the last few days so forgive me if this post seems a little disjointed. I have had so many different thoughts and experiences that have enriched me. I feel like I am in a place where I really know joy. The thing about this trial and obstacle I've gone through is it really has given me an opportunity to become more self aware and to grow in the gospel. I was conversing with my Relief Society president on Sunday and she said, "Isn't it amazing the things we go through that teach us to develop greater compassion and wisdom?" Truth is as I've reflected on that question I wouldn't change one single moment of my heartache if it meant I wouldn't be where I am today. I am so much more receptive to the spirit than I was before. I feel like I am receiving so many personal revelations everyday about all kinds of gospel principles. I am more compassionate than I have ever been in the sense that I really know now what compassion looks like. I have always desired nothing more than to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and I feel like I am on the right track. I feel so comfortable in my skin because I know now more than ever how much Heavenly Father loves me. This knowledge and growth didn't come without pain (a lot of it) and I don't think I would have received it without experiencing the hard stuff. I don't think I was capable of such growth while being in such a toxic relationship. I am Celeste. It is the weirdest feeling to try and describe but I feel like me. I feel very authentic.
Don't mistake my confidence in myself for arrogance. I know that without Heavenly Father I am nothing. Plain and simple. Anything that is noteworthy or honorable about me is all because of Him.
I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let ANYTHING or ANYONE hold you back from becoming the person God intended you to be. We have all been given such unique and wonderful qualities. These attributes are divine gifts from our Heavenly Father. Cultivate and nurture them so that you can use these gifts to be a tool for good. Just looking at my siblings I see a vast array of talents and attributes. I love them for their differences and they all bless me because they are different! As you develop these attributes more fully you will receive greater joy than you ever thought possible.
Sometimes we are placed in situations of hardship and trial. We have very little control sometimes over our circumstances. What I say to that is do your best and you can control your outlook. Honestly speaking when you look at this last 6 months of my life on paper it has been the worst 6 months of my life. However, it has also oddly enough been the happiest.
One day I discovered at bedtime that my daughter had lice. LICE!!!! Never in my life have I had lice or known anyone personally that had lice and now was the time for me to be so fortunate? We had all been sick and in my head I made a list of all of the things that had already gone wrong. Abuse, lies, divorce, eternal family torn apart, no income, minivan repossessed, washer broke down, etc. I literally sat there and looked for all of the things that had gone wrong. I stayed up late cleaning; trying to rid the house of lice. It came time to pull out the vacuum and I plugged it in and turned it on only to find it wasn't working. The plastic was cracked and it no longer had any suction. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!" I believe were my exact thoughts (maybe peppered with a swear word or two). I called up my good friend Shannon and had her pick me up another vacuum. She ran to Walmart and picked me up one after sending me a few comparisons via text message. Still my mood was absolutely toxic. The poor me pity party was in full force. Finally it got to the point where it couldn't go on any longer. It was nearly 3 in the morning when I finally broke down in tears and humbled myself in prayer. The thought came to me, "Do you feel better now? Did anything get better because you threw a fit?" Silence. I was stunned. "Hello Celeste, what are you doing?!? This is not who you are, this crybaby who is such an ungrateful brat!!" I decided right then and there that I would choose happiness. That scene would not repeat itself. I have been down since then but I have never lost my cool or felt that same entitlement like I did that day. I have learned that in life you have 2 choices: misery or happiness. You can't have both. You can't choose to be so negative and expect positive results.
Since developing an "attitude of gratitude" I really have come to know so much joy despite the heartbreaks and nuisances. My eyes have been opened to others suffering and I have developed a greater compassion for all of God's children. It's not something that always comes naturally to me. Some days I have to really work at changing my attitude. Some days are just plain hard. I can't change that. I can only change my attitude. I have always loved this song by Jo Dee Messina titled " Bring on the Rain." It encourages me to roll with the punches and just keep trying.
Now that I am in this healthier, happier place I realize that you don't get into a relationship expecting that person to complete you. They shouldn't be your "other half" as is common to say. You should be whole going into the relationship and that person should only add to your joy and growth. I am responsible for my own happiness and salvation, no one else is. When both people get into a relationship with that same attitude there are less insecurities and there is more time to simply love and nourish each other. When I get in a relationship again it will be because I want that person in my life not because I need them to fulfill me. It will be because they love Heavenly Father as much as I do and they are whole in their understanding of His love for them. It will be because we give each other a desire to be better and to strive harder to be our best selves. I know joy now and he will only add to that. A relationship won't be what I'm waiting for in order to have joy.
Tonight I had such a neat experience with my kids. I was able to run and play with them at the playground and I truly felt like a child again. They had a blast and I had a blast! We stayed there and played for much longer than I had intended and on the way home my daughter said, "Mom that was the best day ever!" My heart melted in that moment. How is it that it took so much crap for me to remember what it felt like to be a child? It really was a joyful, carefree evening and I know in my heart that I will always find joy in the middle of the storm as long as I stay deeply rooted in the gospel. Joy is a choice.
Here are some random quotes (you know how I love quotes) that have helped me better understand joy and how to develop and maintain it in my own life and relationships.
And a couple of my favorites from Sister Hinckley:
No comments:
Post a Comment