When I first filed for divorce I had no thought of falling in love with someone else. I was broken and I needed time to fix myself and my family. I was just going to focus on school and kids. No man! Gradually over time it became a more present thought that I would have another relationship one day. I began to feel really hopeful that it could be better this time. And now here I am at nearly 2am feeling love crazy. It's ridiculous. (Thank you Pride and Prejudice).
Before being put in this situation I had never thought about this awkward phase of a changing relationship status. I have known others who were widowed or divorced but was never even aware of the struggles that came with this awkward phase. For one thing I feel like I want a relationship but not just any relationship, a good one. One where we are pretty equally matched and we have an equal love for our Savior. One where we can be stupid silly and not be embarrassed. One where deep conversations are frequent. A relationship where there's forgiveness and thoughtfulness. (Join the club right?) I want all of this yet when I think about going on a date it freaks me out. It seems so weird to even think about. I mean what if I have food in my teeth at dinner or I trip? (I actually do that a lot so it's a very real possibility.) It's all very confusing. I want to be in love without dating? Okay......
The thing that scares me the most though is how quickly I am opening up to the idea of loving someone again. I don't want to make a stupid mistake and jump too quickly. I worry a lot about that with my kids. Once you have kids it's even more complicated because he/she needs to be a good fit for your kids too. I worry about that a lot. It's such a scary thing to want something you don't know if/when it will happen and if it will be a good fit for everyone involved. My kids don't need anymore pain and I don't want anymore heartbreak. So sometimes my cynical side takes over and I want to shut down in fear.
This is such uncharted territory for me and I have had so many conflicting feelings and thoughts. I have spent more nights than I care to admit the last month or so praying for guidance in this department. That I will relax and let Heavenly Father tell me when it is right. I know the time for it is definitely not now since I'm not officially divorced but it will come some day and when it does I want to be guided by the spirit not lust or loneliness. Sometimes I wish I didn't desire to pair up so much that I would be more content being single and then I remember God created us this way. Since Adam and Eve we have been designed to need the opposite sex. Honestly speaking I wear my heart on my sleeve. By nature I am forgiving and optimistic. I have seriously tried to stay mad before and it never works. I just can't do it. I can't force myself to feel something I don't. I want to be a little cynical because I feel like it might protect me from pain better but I just can't do it. I will be cautious but I can't turn off this feeling of optimism. I'm such a hopeless romantic but beyond that I just believe Heavenly Father has something planned for me. Call it naïve and maybe I am asking for my heart to get broken but I am trusting in Him and I feel like there's something good around the corner for me and my kids.
This post feels more like a diary entry than anything so for that I'm sorry. Surely I'm not the only one who's experienced some of these feelings? Feel free to shout out to me and let me know I'm not crazy if you "got" this post.
Pinterest: It's not good for me.
And just for good humor:
I don't know why but I thought this last one was hilarious. Maybe it's the hour.
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