The Unimaginable

    Nic confessed to me on a Thursday. The following Monday we went to a counseling appointment at LDS services. The counselor was incredible! I felt like he really understood me and then he would turn and talk to Nic and I felt like he had so much compassion for him. How he balanced both of our crazy emotions is beyond me. The counselor encouraged Nic to turn himself in to the authorities. Afterwards Nic and I got in my car and talked some more. More details began coming out about what had happened. The counselor really made Nic feel comfortable and he began spilling secrets like a leaky faucet. I was flabbergasted! I thought I already knew it all, how could there be more? I don't even remember what I said to Nic but I do remember I didn't cry. Once we were in our own separate vehicles and driving home the tears came.
   Since it was evident we weren't getting back together and some truths were out in the open I felt it was time to tell our friends what was happening. Most of our family already knew and had been praying and fasting for us. Nic and I had a close group of friends and they knew something was up with us. It was time they knew too. It was so hard to tell some of them. They were Nic's best friends. He had one friend in particular that he spent a lot of time with. I dreaded telling him. I learned a couple of things from telling family and friends. These are things that I already knew intellectually but they are now written on my heart.  1. When you make a really bad choice it is absolutely devastating to EVERYONE that loves you. The ripples of pain that it can cause is excruciating. 2.Sometimes it's worse to be the person not directly affected by a bad choice. Sometimes it kills you to watch it from the outside and not know what to do. When you really love and care about a person it is painful to watch them hurt, to know they're suffering and you can't do anything about it. This experience has cemented a lot of my relationships. I have had family, friends, and even acquaintances bleed for me and my little family.
    Days were going by and Nic still wasn't turning himself in. I was concerned because without some sort of evidence or confession we still didn't have any sort of case to go on. Yes he had confessed to me but it wasn't enough to prosecute him. Even though he was saying he was sorry I couldn't trust it and I knew something more needed to happen or he would get visitation with the kids without supervision. I had the hardest time wrapping my brain around his motives. I couldn't fathom why he wasn't turning himself in if he was really, truly sorry and repentant. If I had done something that horrific to one of my kids I would be turning myself in so fast and in complete despair. His words and his actions started to say different things. I'm not sure what happened to that Nic who was suicidal and felt Godly sorrow. I have wondered if Satan started placing other thoughts in his head that caused him to start justifying his actions. I held another fast that I would be able to protect my kids and that Nic would turn himself in.
    A couple more days went by and still Nic hadn't done it. I woke up one morning and was taking a shower when a very clear thought came to me, "you need to record him." I had already done that and failed. I continued getting ready and I couldn't shake the impression that I needed to record his confession that very day. He'd already said it all once and I didn't know if he would trust me enough to say it all over again. He knew that I felt really strongly about him turning himself in to the authorities. I called him within the hour and made arrangements to meet him that night at his parents house after the kids went to bed. That day dragged on and on. I was so nervous!! I wasn't a spy or an undercover agent, why did I think I could do this? We weren't meeting at a public place and what if he discovered that I was recording him? I would have to put the recording device fairly close to where he would be sitting. Finally the time came to head over there. When I got about a block away I pulled over and hit record then hid the device on a built in shelf right underneath the car stereo. I couldn't stop shaking. I said a prayer to calm my nerves and that once again I would be able to say the right things. I called to let him know I was close and he came out. I parked in front of the house and I started the conversation by talking about some logistics. We needed to file taxes. At some point I began to ask him questions about our daughter. The questions came out effortlessly and the conversation flowed smoothly and calmly. A few times he moved his hand close to that center shelf and my heart rate would quicken a little. He never did find the device and when he got out of the car I couldn't believe I had done it. I had gotten him to repeat clearly and in detail all of the abuse. I should say the Lord had done it. He really was the one who had guided me and told me what to say. I was about a block away when Nic called. "Hey I was just wondering did you by chance record me?" My stomach twisted and my blood pressure spiked. "Crap he knows. What do I do?" I panicked. I was only a block away and I was really afraid for my safety at that moment. I don't know if he would've done anything to me but I had seen his anger and wrath before. Flashes of 20/20 episodes came to mind, this was stuff people killed over. "No, I didn't record you."  I drove towards home in record time. I wanted to put distance between us. I later felt so guilty about lying, even if it was to protect my kids, that once I turned in a copy of the recording to the authorities I called Nic and told him what I'd done.
   Since that day I've listened to that recording only twice. It does not even sound like my voice. My voice sounds so calm and soothing with very little inflection. Again I was guided. I still look back on those experiences in complete awe. I can't believe that was me, not a spy, not a detective but me. It is amazing what we are capable of when Heavenly Father is guiding us!!! He can transform us into anything we need to be. I in no way think I am on the same platform as Nephi but I couldn't help but think about Nephi being commanded to kill Laban. He had never killed a man before and he didn't want to slay Laban. It seemed to be so contrary to Nephi's basic nature and demeanor to kill a man. He doubted his ability to follow the command. The spirit reassured him and gave him the command again. Nephi was able to do the unthinkable with the help of the Lord. I felt strongly that I had done the unthinkable. It is not my nature to be sneaky and secretive. In both instances there was a greater good to be accomplished. Had I ignored that prompting to record Nic my kids would be at risk and Nic wouldn't be getting the help he really needs. Sometimes faith requires doing the unimaginable. When we trust in Him we can be transformed and given special gifts and talents that we don't normally possess. I learned a powerful lesson about faith that night.