Now that I had been prompted that Nic was lying to me I made a big decision. I decided to meet with a divorce attorney and file for a divorce. Just calling this high powered attorney intimidated me. I was so nervous. I drove downtown to his office and started the process. I felt so out of place in this really professional, upscale office. I was used to t-shirts, jeans, and a ponytail. As a stay at home mom I was totally out of my element. I went back into the conference room and began filling out paperwork when I heard my attorney start singing in the other room, "chains and chains of angel hair, ice cream castles in the air". My thought process went a little like this, "What? That was weird. I'm in an upscale law firm and my high powered attorney is singing a song my dad used to sing. A song I've never heard anyone but my dad sing." Later I was writing out the check for the retainer fee and all of a sudden in the background I heard, "Making Memories of Us" by Keith Urban on the radio. I laughed out loud and the receptionist looked at me like I was crazy. I really think she thought I was losing it. I looked at her and said, "I'm sorry it's just I find it ironic that I'm filing for divorce and our song comes on the radio." Those were the first of many ironies during this process.
I was on my way home driving on the freeway and I was nearing the exit that would take me to Nic's parents house, which is where he was staying during this time, and a clear voice said, " You need to go talk to Nic right now. Take that exit!" I had never planned on talking to Nic that day and my mom was expecting me but I got off of the exit anyway. I called my mom and told her what I was doing and she was a little apprehensive but I told her it felt right. As I neared Nic's parents house I called him and asked if he was home (he was supposed to be out of town for work) and if we could talk. I prayed the whole way there. "Heavenly Father why am I supposed to talk to him? I don't know what to say? I don't want to talk to him right now." As soon as I turned onto the right street a wave of calm washed over me. Nic was waiting out front and he got in the passenger side of the car. I didn't know until the minute I opened my mouth what I was supposed to say. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. Heavenly Father put the words right in my mouth. "I filed for divorce today. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I feel like you're being dishonest with me." Again he denied having done anything to our daughter. Finally I looked at him and said with tears in my eyes, "Nic don't you think Heavenly Father loves her enough that he wants it to stop? He wants the truth to come forth. Don't you realize that He loves our kids and wants them protected? Don't you realize that He loves me and He is answering my prayers for truth? I have tried my best to be obedient and faithful and He has spoken to me before about things you've done why would this be any different?" Silence. Finally Nic a little teary eyed got out of the car. As I drove away I could see him in my rearview mirror still standing there on the curb looking depressed. For the first time during this process I was really worried about him. He never confessed in the car what he had done but he stopped denying it.
When I got home my mom was feeding the kids dinner. We said prayer and were just about to eat and I couldn't stop thinking about the way Nic looked standing on that curb. Something was really wrong. I felt sick to my stomach. He was going to do something stupid. The spirit told me, "You need to call him". I didn't want to I was still mad he was being dishonest. I had a brief thought that I could ignore that prompting and let him do something stupid than I wouldn't have to worry about him. The second I thought it I heard very loudly, "That would be wrong!! He is MINE and he is worth something to me, go call him now!!!!" Chastised and humbled I now felt panicked. What if I didn't get a hold of him in time? I rushed out of the room and went outside to the front porch and called him with a sickening sense of urgency. He answered!!!! All I could hear was sobs on the other end. Nic, who rarely cried, was audibly sobbing. He almost couldn't speak he was crying so hard. "There's so many things you don't know. I'm sorry for what I did. I never wanted to hurt her. " It was hard to make sense of it all. That day happened so fast. He wasn't making much sense. "Nic where are you?" He had gone for a drive and ended up at our church parking lot. I found out he had the guns with him. "Stay there, I'm sending help. You have to know it's never too late for you. Heavenly Father loves you. He told me to call you. Don't do anything stupid! Will you meet with the Bishop?" He agreed to wait for the Bishop and I called his sister and told her how worried I was. I knew he needed someone to be with him and I knew it couldn't be me. She jumped in her car and went straight there. I couldn't get a hold of the Bishop. It turned out he was out of town but the ward secretary could sense the urgency and hear the emotion in my voice and he called me back to let me know that the Stake President was on his way to meet with him.
That entire day I was guided. Every second of that day was like an out of body experience. Nothing I did, nothing I said came from me. It was an experience I will never forget. That day I learned a lesson I will never forget : No matter who you are or what you've done, you are His and He loves you. I had so much anger for Nic not only for what he'd done but for lying to me about it. In the past I had snap judged people like Nic and thought they were just bad people and they probably deserved what they got. That day I was told by Heavenly Father, Himself, that Nic mattered to Him. Heavenly Father had a plan for Nic that didn't involve him ending his life despite what he'd done. I don't care who you are or what you've done I KNOW Heavenly Father loves you! I KNOW you are worth something! As long as I live I can never deny the power that I felt that day testifying to me of our individual worth to Him. Not only was I point blank told He loved Nic I was also given answers to my prayers. He had words put in my mouth. I knew that Heavenly Father did love me and my kids enough to tell me the truth so that I could protect them. I knew that He cared because He took an entire day to guide and direct me. I was guided and there are so many other people on this planet that He has to watch over and yet here I was this one imperfect person being guided with this power from Heaven. My problems, my life, and my kids mattered to Him. He was aware of us.
Put your faith in Him and let Him guide your life. There is hope for you! He will guide you back. I testify that He is real. I heard Him that day. His love is real. I felt it that day. I pray and hope that if you don't feel His love that you will read this and maybe feel a spark of His love for you. I pray and hope that you nourish that spark and let it grow. I challenge you to kneel in prayer to Him and ask Him if He loves you. I know what you will feel if you do.
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