Turning on the Light

    That first day I received the news is a blur. I remember snippets here and there. "He's sick, we need to get him some help." "She told the school counselor." I vaguely remember the detective and the social worker trying to distract me by talking about their pets as we were waiting for my sister to arrive. They needed her to come sign off as a third party witness to a "protection plan". The protection plan stated that Nic would not be allowed to be in the home or around the kids. Nic wasn't working that day and had gone shooting. I tried to call him several times but he didn't answer. Finally I called his parents. "I need you to come get Nic some stuff. (sob) CPS is here and a detective. They said he did something to our daughter." I choked out the words as best as a could. I can only imagine what my mother-in-law had going through her head as I dropped that bomb.
    My sister showed up and I fell apart. She was someone safe. Someone I could fall apart with. I saw her and instantly felt light and love coming from her. To me in that moment she was an angel coming to my rescue. She sat and listened to the social workers and absorbed all the information I couldn't because after that first sentence, "He touched your daughter inappropriately" I went into shock. Sometime during all of this my older kids came home from school. I can't tell you when. I can't tell you what they were doing during all of this. I know my sister and CPS just took care of them.
    Shortly after CPS and the detective left my in-laws showed up. They came upstairs to my room and I packed a bag for Nic. I asked my father-in-law for a priesthood blessing. Once again I can't remember what was said. Then the four of us decided to open a fast. We knelt around my bed and my sister offered the prayer. Again the love radiated from her. She truly felt godly sorrow for the situation and I knew that she loved Nic as a Child of God. I knew she wanted to take away my pain. I knew she was mindful of my babies and the changes this would bring to them.
    That evening people were in and out like crazy. My room became headquarters for discussing the sensitive information so the kids wouldn't hear. My dear friend Tory came over. The Bishop was called and came over. My brother was over most of the night. The service that was extended to me that night will NEVER be forgotten. I had painted our daughter's room earlier that morning and needed to put the curtain rod back up. I had planned on Nic doing it not realizing that wouldn't be an option. My brother stayed and put it up for me. He did little odd jobs here and there around the house to make my life easier. Tory and my sister Laura fed my kids dinner, did the dishes, cleaned the kids rooms, bathed the kids, and put them to bed all while comforting me.
    My sister went home to get an overnight bag so she could stay with me that first night. Later that evening when the kids were all asleep and everyone else had all gone home we sat downstairs on the couch and just sat in silence. Occasionally I would have a thought I would share with her. She just sat and listened. I know it was hard for her. She too was in pain and we both just sat there in shock.
    I can't talk about this day without mentioning a spiritual experience I had. A tender mercy was extended to me. When I was 16 my dad died just two weeks shy of my 17th birthday. He was a spiritual giant and someone I leaned on for comfort and spiritual guidance. When I was alone with just my brother and sister I had an overwhelming sense that my dad was with us in the room. I hugged my brother and cried, "I can feel dad. I miss him." The peace that my dad's presence gave me was overwhelming. It was as if he was saying, "I'm still here. You're going to be okay. You're never alone."
    This was my darkest day and yet it wasn't as dark as it could have been. I had the Lord on my side. I had family. I had friends. I was not alone. I am never alone. A Harry Potter quote comes to mind :

(yes I'm really quoting Harry Potter.) I had turned on the light. By choosing to pray in my time of need, fasting, surrounding myself with good people, and asking for a priesthood blessing I had turned on the light. If you are going through a hard time turn on the light! Maybe you've made a big mistake and you don't think you can come back from it, maybe you are experiencing health problems, maybe you are experiencing depression, you might have lost a loved one, or you simply might feel lost and alone ; my message to you is turn on the light! Let people help you! Pray for help! Keep trying! I can assure you this is not a one time thing. Every day I have to turn on the light just like I would in real life. Sometimes multiple times a day. If you turn on the light you will discover there is hope. There is happiness. People care and are generally good. You will discover you can do hard things. Most of all you will discover that when you think you are alone Heavenly Father is there. He is waiting for you to turn on that light. I don't always get some huge, amazing experience when I turn on the light but I do always get a feeling of comfort and love. I dare you to try it! Be brave. When you turn one light on in one room it gets a little brighter but as you go through the house and turn each and every light on it's really bright. The more you turn on the light the brighter your life will get.
       Surely this day was my darkest day and I still have many challenges ahead of me. I pray that I too will always remember to turn on that light.