Everyone knows Nic sexually abused our daughter but what most people don't know is that as a side effect of such horrible behaviors he also emotionally and verbally abused all of us. I'm really struggling to speak up about this because I want to be classy and take the high road. I don't want to sound bitter or attack Nic. He has a lot of great qualities but Satan got a hold of him. Nic took it out on me and the kids because we were the closest to him. We often hurt those we love the most more. There's a level of comfort with those close relationships so we feel like we can be and say whatever. I decided to speak up because keeping it a secret makes me feel like a victim. I'm still protecting him. I've decided there's a difference between being tastefully honest and being bitter. This will never be a blog where I tell you all of the details of every fight we had. This will never be a blog about how much I hate Nic because I don't. I'm speaking up to hopefully help other women or men who still feel victimized or who don't even realize that what's happening in their relationship is not okay.
I didn't even realize I was being abused until after Nic got caught abusing our daughter. I went into our local Family Justice Center (which is a great resource) for a routine checkup. There was some information on counseling available and one of the employees really helped me figure things out. She listened to me and helped me problem solve what my next steps should be. She gave me some graphs and charts about abuse that listed common scenarios in abusive relationships. It was standard procedure to give it to everybody so I tucked it away in my folder and dismissed it, after all this was about our daughter. Later that night I pulled it out and was shocked to discover that my relationship with Nic fit perfectly into the abuse cycle. Tears streamed down my face as page after page I identified with the information provided. It all started fitting together and I could see so clearly a pattern of abuse. How did I not see it before? I had thought it was "normal" fighting. The truth is there was nothing normal about it. Yes couples fight but what we went through was beyond that.
From the outside we looked happy. Even most of our closest friends and family had no clue what was really going on behind closed doors. Nic was charming. He was hilarious. I adored him when we were out with friends. We were flirtatious with each other and would have witty banter back and forth. Going out with Nic was a blast! Home was a different story. Because of the things Nic was engaging in he was depressed and when we got home and he was really comfortable he would become a different person. I think he hated himself for what he was doing and didn't know how to stop it so he was awful at times with me and the kids instead of facing his issues. Again, some of this might seem normal to you and some of it is. I can't illustrate how it was so different with us without telling detailed stories and I'm not sure I want to go there. Just trust me when I say it was not good at home. I can't tell you the hours I spent on my knees pleading for his heart to be softened. Praying that if I was missing something, if I was in the wrong that I could figure it out and be better. Why did I stay so long? The answer is simple: our kids. I had come from a family where divorce was no stranger. I knew full well the repercussions divorce could have on kids. And honestly I still loved Nic. Like I said before I'm very forgiving and I can't stay mad for very long.
After the truth came out and Nic was removed from the home there was an odd feeling of freedom that came with all the despair. For the first time I knew the truth. I knew why he was acting the way he was. I knew it wasn't my fault, I wasn't crazy. This wasn't something I had built up in my head. The first night I was left alone with my kids we all piled on my bed and I could feel a difference in my home. The spirit was there. It is so strange but despite all of the agony I felt those first few days I also felt relief.
Even still to this day I struggle to overcome some of the wounds from the emotional abuse. I had a panic attack after I started this blog. "What if Nic finds out?" After writing my first post I texted a few close friends a rough draft and said, "do I dare publish it?" When I hit that publish button I sobbed for a good twenty minutes. I was so overcome with emotion. I was terrified but mostly I felt liberated. This was my life and I was taking control. I wasn't going to operate from a place of fear anymore. Which brings me to how I got the name of this blog.
My mom was one of the few people I confided in. She knew our marriage was no picnic. She was someone I trusted because I knew she would be objective. She would tell me if I was wrong and she had a way of getting through to Nic. She loved and still loves Nic. He respected and valued her opinion. When everything hit the fan she knew I needed something to help me be strong. My bedroom was covered in everything Nic. He wanted orange in our room so I got an orange bedspread. Our initials were hanging above the bed. Engagement and wedding pictures were everywhere. She helped me take down the pictures and she said, "You need something in here that makes you feel powerful. When you wake up in the morning you need to be surrounded by colors and things that make you feel happy and strong. I want you to think about some power words that you think will help you to be all that you can be." I thought about it for a few days and came up with stronger, braver, fearless. These words are my words. I will never be in an unhealthy relationship like that again.
I am STRONGER because I know who I am and what I'm capable of.
I am BRAVER because I have looked horribly hard things in the face and done them anyway.
I am FEARLESS because I know I can do anything with Heavenly Father's help.
I have dug down inside of myself and found my inner strength and there is no stopping me from reaching my potential. Yes I will have some setbacks and lose a battle or two but I will come away the victor because I know the power that it the Atonement. I will win the war!!! I am braver, stronger, and fearless because of my Savior!! He makes me brave. He makes me strong. He makes me fearless.
I told my mom my words and the rest is history. She helped me redecorate my room and transform it to my room. I had my friend Tory help me cut out the words in vinyl and I arranged them in frames above my bed. Every single time I see those words or I use them in a hashtag I believe in myself a little more. I have literally had moments when I have been trying to get ready for court and I can't stop crying and then I see those words above my bed and I become them. The colors that I chose were purple and red. Red is such a powerful, cheery color and the purple reminds me of royalty and my divine identity as a Daughter of God.
If you suspect you might be a victim of abuse or an abuser I encourage you to get help. I cannot say enough that I know that Heavenly Father loves you no matter who you are or what you've done. Don't sell yourself short. Abuse of any kind is NEVER the answer. I often hear how amazing I am for the way I've handled a bad situation. People tell me they don't think they would be this strong. The truth is I am no better than you. If I can do it so can you. You have the same divinity in you that I have in me. All you need to know to be this strong is that you are a Child of God and He will never leave you alone if you ask for His help. You will have weak moments and lose some battles but you can win the war. Everyone is capable of being braver, stronger, and fearless!
It's hard to read the words in this picture. I'll have to take a better one.
The way it was when it was our room.
One of the walls in our bedroom.
You can find some of the charts about abuse at domesticviolence.org. I would encourage you to look them over and familiarize yourself with them. I want to reiterate that I am not sharing these things looking for sympathy or to paint myself as this wounded victim that was always perfect in the marriage. Yes I was a victim but I have always found happiness throughout my life despite my struggles. I am choosing to not be a victim anymore. Neither am I sharing these things to dump on Nic and paint him as an awful person. Some of the things he did were awful but I know that's never who he wanted to be. I am sharing these things because abuse is more common than we think. If what I've been through can help put a stop to abuse anywhere than I'm glad I shared. Never look the other way if you suspect someone is being abused even if you suspect that someone is you.
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