The Choices We Make

    After writing my last post my day began to spiral downward. The stress of looking for a job, trying to sell my house, all of the legal stuff that comes with a divorce, and being my kids everything started to wear on me. It all seemed to beat down on me. So I loaded the kids up in the car to get some sunshine and run some errands. While I was sitting there in traffic my negative thoughts only got worse. "Why do you think you can blog to help others? What do you think you're doing? You can't even handle your own life and you're going to help other people?! Get a grip!" I began to feel like a terrible mother. I just sat there in the 100 degree weather, trying to ignore the fighting kids in the backseat and had a pity party for myself in the middle of traffic. I'm not sure how this thought came to me next but all of a sudden I reversed course and just said, "stop it Celeste!!!!" I began to remind myself that happiness was a choice not a destination. I began to listen to those screaming voices in the back seat and feel grateful I was the one that got to hear those screams (unpleasant as they are). I reflected on my financial concerns and reminded myself of all the times I didn't know how we were going to make it and then something came up that provided. I decided to turn on some happy music to keep this positive momentum going.
    It is true that I am no shining beacon on a hill. I am a far cry from perfect. I swear when I shouldn't. I throw myself pity parties. I lose my temper with my kids almost daily. I cannot stop myself from lusting after Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pratt and Sam Hunt (I could go on but the list is embarrassingly long). I am selfish. I waste far too much time with Dubsmash. I never take meals to anyone in my ward and in fact I do my best to avoid it (I don't really cook for my family either). The point is I am human. People often comment on how strong I am. The truth is I'm not always. I guess if being strong means you keep trying then yes I'm strong. I love my Heavenly Father and I will always try for Him. I am not a perfect person and will never be. I will probably offend you at some point if I haven't already. Bottom line today in the car I accepted those things about myself and I chose to keep trying to be better and to be happy despite them.
   Satan plays this game with me all of the time where he tries to get me to negate all of the good things I do because I did something not good. He tries to get me to feel bad and not believe in myself. I feel like the same thing happens to people like my ex, Nic. What he did was horrendous and much worse than anything most of us have done but does that discredit the good things he did? I don't think it does. I feel like once someone hears the term, "murderer" or "sex offender" that they instantly think bad person. They really might be but I don't know that. I'm not their judge. I don't know all. I guess I used to think things were so black and white. Good and bad. When you go through abuse or live it you realize there is actually a lot of gray. Nic and I had a lot of good times together. We had happy times. There were times he made me feel so loved. He was a terrific friend. He could be a great daddy. That is what makes this so complicated and difficult to process. That is why it is so hard for victims to leave their abusers. Ultimately the choices themselves that he made to abuse were black. They were really bad. There were other choices he made that were white and good. I think that's how we get the gray. It's too hard for me to sort it out and I can't do it. I'm not God. I don't know what was in his heart or how hard he tried to fight. As victims we simply have to get out. We have to say goodbye to the good parts because the flip side is too dangerous. We have to protect ourselves and especially our children. I don't support what he did. I will never understand what he did. It is an evil thing beyond my comprehension but I don't have to understand it. I just have to protect my kids and forgive. Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting when it comes to abuse. Be smart and protect yourself. Don't go back. Abuse patterns are SO hard to break and change.
    All of this leads me to one topic: Choices. Some might say I had a right to have a pity party given the circumstances but I chose to be happy instead. The choice Nic made to engage in sexually abusive behavior was his downfall. He made a lot of good choices before that. Obviously, he married me. jk (I couldn't resist.) Seriously though he chose to get married in the temple. He chose to have a family. He chose to attend church. He chose to work to support his family. One stupid little choice can lead to another stupid choice and before you know it you're at the bottom because you've made a really big, bad choice. Be careful with what you choose!!!! Every choice we make matters. Every choice we make determines our next choice. Nic didn't wake up one day and decide he was going to abuse our daughter. He made a lot of poor little choices that led to that choice. It is never too late to pull a Celeste and say "Stop it!!" Stop the thought process in its tracks and turn it around. Don't let those bad thoughts win. Don't let yourself get to rock bottom. Don't even play with fire. As soon as you recognize something isn't right STOP! Choose light. Choose Christ. Choose to try.

                                           Proof that Nic made some good choices: