The Lies We Tell

  CPS came on Friday the 23rd and scheduled to have my daughter come in on Thursday the 29th for interviewing. It was one day short of a week. It was the longest week of my life! They dropped this bomb on me that my husband may or may not have abused our daughter and then they left me with no further details or answers until the following Thursday. I didn't know what to do. Should I talk to family and friends and tell them what happened? What if it wasn't true and then everyone was paranoid around Nic. I have heard that apparently I was pretty lucky. Usually they don't have an opening to interview the victims that quickly. My heart truly hurts for those families that have to wait and wonder. It is nothing short of agony.
   I'm not sure when I told the kids Nic wouldn't be coming home for a while or even what I said. I remember reminding them how much he loved them. I didn't want them to feel abandoned by him at all. I know they could sense the tension and stress in the air and I know they saw my tears. I was so worried about protecting them and shielding them from all of the pain. I knew it was inevitable that they would feel some pain but I wanted to believe I could protect them from it. My daughter was a wreck that first week. She cried every night for daddy. She couldn't sleep. I have never seen her more distraught. I believe she put two and two together and realized that she told somebody what he did and then he was gone. She would cry to me every single night. I would always reassure her that daddy loved her. Every single time she had a meltdown I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. How do I convince this little girl that it isn't her fault? How do I make her see that she is innocent? How do I let her know that he didn't love her the right way a daddy should? I would lay there awake at night wondering how I, Celeste, who was such an imperfect parent and person was supposed to help these perfect children heal.
   I don't remember much else about that week in fact I was prompted to keep a planner with notes to write down details. I'm so thankful I did because most of that week is completely gone from my memory. The one thing I do remember is my mom came up from Utah on Monday the 26th. I had braved 2 nights alone with my kids and I was craving some help and comfort that only a mother can give. I remember I was folding laundry in my room when I heard my kids let my mom in. She came up the stairs and all I did was look at her before I burst into tears. She held me while I sobbed on her shoulder and I felt all of the pain and sadness I'd kept in those last 2 days come out all at once. In that moment I felt like a child who'd fallen and skinned their knee and wanted mommy to make it better. In a lot of ways she did make it better.
  According to my planner I had fasted twice that week and attended the temple twice. I don't remember that either. I don't remember praying, though I know I did. I don't remember church that first Sunday or if I even went. I lived mostly in a fog of shock that week. I'm certain Tory, my sister, brother, and sister-in-law were over but those memories are also gone.
   The time for the interview came and I took my daughter to the Justice Center which I never even knew existed in my town. I still wish I didn't know it existed. She was pretty nervous. I prepped her on the way over basically just saying, "Some really nice people want to talk to you and ask you some questions." Really basic and simple. They didn't want her to be scared or to be swayed one way or the other. That was another really hard thing. I couldn't talk to her at all that first week about what she said Nic had done. As a parent my first instinct when something bad happens to my child is to ask them about it and comfort them. I felt so helpless. We walked into the Justice Center and she was given a comfort blanket and allowed to go play in the toy room while they went over some of the details of what would be happening during the interview. I wasn't allowed to be with her because sometimes kids are scared to say things in front of their parents. I also couldn't watch the interview from behind the glass because some parents in the past had lost control while watching their kids get interviewed. I was left in a little room while they took her back. I sat there praying and waiting for what seemed like forever. Finally the detective and social worker came in and read to me what was said in the interview and told me about her responses. She told them a little but she didn't talk the way they needed her to. She kept saying, "I don't remember." Without a solid testimony from her and no evidence we were dead in the water. That meant that the case would close and even if Nic was really guilty without proof he would be free to come home again. I was panicked. I had a hunch he did it and I could never feel comfortable letting him back in unless I was 100% positive he hadn't harmed our child. What if he did it again? What if he said something to her and scared her? They advised I put her in counseling and hopefully she would eventually open up and we could re-open the case. That wasn't good enough for me. I needed to protect my babies. One time was one time too many. I would've  rather disappeared with my kids leaving everybody I loved behind than let them get hurt again or expose them to the possibility. I had a mother bear instinct kick in and a righteous anger. I went home and dropped to my knees and told Heavenly Father, "I will NOT let them be hurt anymore. Please help me!" So I devised a plan. I was going to meet Nic and question him myself. He had opened up to me before about things and I was convinced I could get him to talk and when he did I was going to record him. They wanted proof and I was going to get to the bottom of this and get them proof.
    I had arranged to meet Nic at a restaurant later that evening. I made sure my mom and brother were both aware in case things went sour. We weren't sure what Nic's state of mind was or how he might react if he was backed into a corner. My mom was scared spit less. I was a bundle of nerves. My brother being the protector he is was giving me all kinds of little safety tips and warnings. I began to shake. I had never in my life done something so bold. I had my brother give me another priesthood blessing.
    When I got to the restaurant I turned on the recording device and hid it in my purse. Seeing Nic was hard. I hadn't seen him since the accusations were made. We sat across from each other. We were both crying. I kept asking him, "Is it true?" He would always say no. "Why would she say that Nic?" "I don't know." It turned out to be another dead end in the evidence department. He kept saying he didn't do it and he couldn't wait to get home. He loved us so much. He missed me. We would do things differently. All of this was said with sadness and tears in his eyes. I do believe he was sincere in his emotion but that night I knew for sure he was lying. As I sat staring into his eyes, both of us crying in the middle of a restaurant the spirit said, "Something is not right. He isn't being truthful." I could feel it in every bone of my body that he was being dishonest.
    Sometimes when we know we've done something really wrong we lie. We lie to others because we don't want to get in trouble. We lie to others because we don't want to hurt them. The worst lie is the lie we tell to ourselves. We can't fully repent until we admit what we've done wrong in all of its honesty. I KNOW Nic meant every word he said. He fully intended to do things differently. He had convinced himself that he would never do it again and he would change. He would read his scriptures, go to the temple more, pray more often, be kinder at home. The problem is it doesn't work like that. God knows all and there are consequences to be paid either in this life or the life to come. Nic didn't want to pay those consequences. Why would he? I mean honestly who wants to admit to that? I have thought long and hard about why he had to pay the consequences. Why couldn't it be as easy as just doing better, being better? For one thing he broke the law and there are repercussions for doing so but on a spiritual note it goes beyond that.

        D&C 82:3
        For of him unto whom
        much is given much is
        required; and he who sins
        against the greater light shall
        receive the greater condemnation.

       D&C 82:10
       I, the Lord, am bound
       when ye do what I say; but
       when ye do not what I say, ye
       have no promise.

Nic had the greater light. He had made sacred covenants which means more was required of him. He didn't uphold his end of the promise so therefore he had no promise from Heavenly Father. He had to confess in full honesty his mistakes and receive his consequences or "condemnation". After doing so and being humbled sufficiently, being better and living better then come into play.
    The lies we tell ourselves are often the real cause of our downfall. It's not always the sin itself it's lying to ourselves about the severity of the sin or lying to ourselves that if we bury it deep enough it will go away. I'm here to tell you that's not the case. Honesty is soooo big! Be honest with others but most of all be honest with yourself and with Heavenly Father! How do we expect Him to trust us if we won't tell Him the truth? Lies keep light away. If you have an addiction or a serious problem and someone asks you about it and you lie they can't help you. The same goes with lies to yourself and Heavenly Father. You cannot help yourself if you lie about your problem. Heavenly Father cannot help you if you lie to Him about your problem. I've made A LOT of mistakes and they always got worse and I made even more mistakes when I lied to myself and my Heavenly Father. It's not always easy to tell the truth and it's definitely not fun. When I was a kid I told a lot of whoppers. My siblings could tell you all of the crazy lies I told. There are actually some pretty comical ones. I got caught in quite a few of those whoppers. Finally I realized as hard as it is to tell the truth it is easier than getting caught. *lightbulb* That was an "ah ha moment" for me. The feeling you get when you lie and get caught is so much worse. I always felt so much better for at least having a shred of decency and telling the truth about what I'd done than having no dignity and getting caught.
   My point is the moment we decide to be honest the help and the light start to come back in. I cannot stress enough how much honesty means to me now. I know Heavenly Father will always help us even when we've made mistakes. He loves us and He WANTS to help us but we have to let Him and tell the truth no matter how hard that may be. It is never too late to decide to live an honest life. Ask yourself what lies do you tell Him? What lies do you tell yourself? Sometimes they're as simple as a lie about your worth. I know it is common for women, myself included, to think we aren't good enough. Not skinny enough, not patient enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, etc. That, my friends, is a lie!! Other times the lie is on a bigger scale like the severity of a sin or addiction like I previously mentioned. No matter how big or small the lies we tell ourselves are they need to stop!! STOP!! You ARE good enough!! That WAS bad!! You CAN repent!! Now for a truth; He loves you! He will NEVER stop loving you!! You could go out tomorrow and kill a guy and He would love you. You could gain 100 pounds and He would love you. Just as a parent would never stop loving their child He will not stop loving you. His love for you is infinite and unconditional!  Don't forget His love and don't forget that lies are the wedge between you and His love.